By MATT WALSH

Not long ago, I went to my local luxury car dealership and purchased a $250,000 Lamborghini. I say I “purchased” the vehicle, but what I mean, of course, is that I took out a massive loan in order to obtain the bright yellow Italian sports car. You should understand that I had no job, no assets, and a net worth of exactly $127 at the time of the transaction. I figured that I would eventually come up with the money to pay for it. Things did not work out as well as I had planned.

I have discovered, much to my shock, that it is quite unpleasant to be in debt. I have to make payments every month, according to the agreement that I knowingly and purposefully signed. Apparently, the lender really wants the money back. I thought maybe they were joking or being sarcastic when they sat me down and said: “This is how much you will owe and this is what your monthly payments will be.” I could have sworn I saw the guy wink, as if to say, “This is all a formality — you don’t really have to make good on the loan. Have fun and don’t worry about it.” Now I suspect that maybe his eye was just twitching from some sort of nerve damage.

Here I am, then, with the debt I agreed to take on for the sake of the product I intentionally purchased. But the financial obligation is hard. It makes my life difficult. I wake up in cold sweats wondering how this happened to me. Well, practically speaking, I know how it happened. I went and took out a loan and now I have to pay it back. Look deeper, though, and you’ll discover that it’s not my fault. I am the victim here.

First of all, you need a car in this day and age. I had no choice but to buy one. Sure, some people get by without cars. It’s technically possible to survive without a car. For a while, anyway, until you die from exhaustion, or hypothermia, or you get eaten by wolves or whatever, because you have to walk everywhere. The point is, I’m not going to be some plebe wandering down the sidewalk. That lifestyle might work for some people — less interesting, less important people — but not me. I’m me, after all, for God’s sake.

Now, you might argue that I could have easily purchased an affordable vehicle. I didn’t have to spend six figures on a car when there are thousands of different options and many of those options wouldn’t result in a mountain of debt. I could have bought a really cheap used vehicle, driven it around for a while, and then eventually traded it for a nicer model once I had the money and means to afford it. Or I could have consigned myself to the miserable life of a pedestrian for a period of time — a few years, at most — while I earned a living, saved money, and put myself in a better position to purchase a quality automobile. There are many things I could have done, you might say. But that’s because you don’t understand.

I needed the nicest car, right away, immediately, no matter the cost. Those “responsible” plans you mention might work for other people, but, like I’ve already explained, I’m not other people. I’m a special case. There are certain things life owes me: Status, popularity, luxury, Lamborghinis. Don’t you see how this works? It is not the lender who is owed. Rather, I am the one who is owed. So, I did what was right for me. Even if it wasn’t right for me. You are not entitled to any more of an explanation. You should be satisifed with that. Why are we even talking about you, anyway? This is about me, remember? Let’s not lose sight of the real issue.

I propose — no, I demand — Lamborghini loan forgiveness. It is simply unfair that I have saddled myself with this unspeakable financial burden. It is the worst injustice I have ever perpetrated against myself, and I demand restitution. I don’t really care how the matter is resolved, just as long as it ends with me cruising debt-free down the highway in my bright yellow Lambo. Yes, I will be keeping the car. I’m not asking for a refund here — I’m talking about forgiveness. The debt should be wiped clean. Like it never happened. Poof. Gone.

Who is going to pay back the lender? Again, not my concern. If, for some reason, restitution is necessary, then take the money from my neighbor. He paid off the loan on his Honda Civic years ago. He’s got plenty of extra money lying around, I’m sure. It is perfectly just to force someone else to assume my financial responsibilities. I remind you for the umpteenth time: This is me we’re talking about. I would never want to force my neighbor to pay off some random rube’s car, or boat, or patio, or whatever. That would be totally immoral. It would be stealing. It’s unthinkable. But I’m not a random rube. I’m special. I’m important. I have a Lamborghini. Now someone just needs to pay for it.