By Kurt Schlichter

The midterms are tomorrow, and the Never Trump conservatives’ latest collective self-own is their insistence that we vote for Democrats because of … get this … conservatism. Well, “ahoy” to that, you cruise-pushing goofs.

Pardon me if I doubt the savvy political insights of the guys who told us, “You know who’d make a great candidate? Jeb!” I just can’t get my mind around anyone who thinks Jeb! is the answer to any question except, “What political superstar has three letters plus an exclamation point, blew a couple hundred million bucks for like one delegate, and will have ‘Low Energy’ carved on his tombstone?” 

Here’s what I think happens Tuesday, and I could be totally wrong – though being wrong would entitle me to be an honorary Never Trumper. I think we take three or more seats in the Senate and keep the House. I think we keep power in Washington in the hands of the conservative party. And the Never Trump conservatives think this would be a terrible outcome.

They are the worst.

Shockingly, Never Trumpers are still a thing, at least in DC, New York and the nether regions of the internet, but no one is sure of why. It’s certainly not by popular demand; nobody likes them except weirdos, loser, mutations, and MSNBCNN bookers.

Of necessity, they have abandoned their old grift – “We are totally committed to winning victories for conservatism!” – in the wake of Trump singlehandedly fulfilling all the conservative fantasies that had previously graced the letters section of The Weekly Standard and its cruise-curious ilk: “I never thought it would happen to me, but then my president ditched the climate scam agreement and cut taxes! Hot!”

But Trump made our erotic right-wing dreams come true after decades of Fredocon teasing. And now no one calls the Never Trumpers anymore, and when they try their old pals, they get a text back: “New phone who dis?”

So now they have their new grift. They are the keepers of the conservaflame, the True Conservatives™ who plan to rescue us from the success of the Trump Era. And as part of that plan to get their principled conservatism on, they have stumbled onto a bold and innovative strategy: Help liberals win.

Im skeptical, but Chet thinks that’s a clever move. Chet is, of course, my unicorn.

Now, they have tried this bold gambit before. Remember how in 2016 we were instructed that real right-wingers must vote for Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit because…reasons? Here’s how that cunning stratagem was supposed to play out:

1. Vote for Hillary instead of Trump.
2. Liberals finish their fundamental transformation of America into Venezuela del Norte.
3. Hey look, a squirrel!
4. Conservatism is victorious.

Shockingly, people seemed resistant to this kind of outside-the-envelope thinking. But that has not stopped the Resistance Right from going for round two.

At least Wile E. Coyote learned not to stand under the same Acme anvil twice.

So now the kept-cons on the pages of the New York Times and the tiresome trolls on Twitter are again demanding that tomorrow we vote against conservative candidates and in favor of liberal ones to somehow make conservatives win. Hmmmm. I have several questions, among them, “What the hell is wrong with you people?”

But hey – Libs eat up the Benedict Kristol act and the conservaquislings get plenty of TV hits from their pals in the media dumping on actual cons. Isn’t that the important thing?

Not to actual Republican voters, but then we were never really important to these clowns.

It’s so transparently dumb that you wonder if they actually expect anyone to fall for it. In what world is giving Claire McCaskill another term going to help conservatism? How, exactly, is that supposed to work? Is letting her and her pinko pals run rampant over our civil liberties and America’s standing in the world going to get us Republicans so motivated that we … wait for it … elect someone who will do all the conservative things that Donald Trump is currently doing?

I’m not sure they have thought this out. It’s like merely posing a conservatives is enough. Isn’t it kind of alarming to realize that a significant portion of the allegedly intellectual wing of conservatism has bought into the idea of ideological participation trophies, yet here we are.

At least Wile E. Coyote learned not to stand under the same Acme anvil twice.

So now the kept-cons on the pages of the New York Times and the tiresome trolls on Twitter are again demanding that tomorrow we vote against conservative candidates and in favor of liberal ones to somehow make conservatives win. Hmmmm. I have several questions, among them, “What the hell is wrong with you people?”

But hey – Libs eat up the Benedict Kristol act and the conservaquislings get plenty of TV hits from their pals in the media dumping on actual cons. Isn’t that the important thing?

Not to actual Republican voters, but then we were never really important to these clowns.

It’s so transparently dumb that you wonder if they actually expect anyone to fall for it. In what world is giving Claire McCaskill another term going to help conservatism? How, exactly, is that supposed to work? Is letting her and her pinko pals run rampant over our civil liberties and America’s standing in the world going to get us Republicans so motivated that we … wait for it … elect someone who will do all the conservative things that Donald Trump is currently doing?

I’m not sure they have thought this out. It’s like merely posing a conservatives is enough. Isn’t it kind of alarming to realize that a significant portion of the allegedly intellectual wing of conservatism has bought into the idea of ideological participation trophies, yet here we are.

Or worse, maybe they have thought this out and just don’t care. They used to sneer “But Gorsuch!” at us when we pointed to that huge victory, as if success in advancing conservatism was not the only metric that mattered. But what matters to these people, these more-conservative-than-thou dopes who somehow convinced themselves that you can actual win by losing, is their own puny stature.

Maybe they want us to be defeated because they figure that if the movement loses, like it used to, we will turn on Trump and cast him out, leaving a vacuum that needs to be filled. And who would they propose fill that void? Oh wait, I have a guess. They imagine we’ll trash our own party and come crawling back to them, begging them to take their rightful places again on the bow of the cruise ship S.S. Conservative, Inc., shouting “I’m the king of the world, or at least of my little corner of it here at my desk in the Center for Conservative Coalitions of Liberty ‘N Eagles ‘N Families!”